An Open Letter To My Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I would like to thank you for putting up with someone who's been such a pain in the butt for the last almost 22 years. Yes, I am comfortable saying that because I am, and I know other people wouldn't agree with it, but you wouldn't mind. I know our relationship hasn't always been the best, but now that I'm older, I am so grateful that you stuck by me, even through my hardest times.

I know that no parents expect a child with mental illness or a learning disability, but you raised me and you never thought twice. I know a lot of parents would have given up on their children. A lot of parents are in denial about their child having something like this, but you always fought for the services I needed to help me thrive in this world. I know I may have complained about my physical therapy and my occupational therapy and everything in between, but I know it was for the best now, and there's no way I would have made the strides in life that I have if you didn't fight for these services.

Above all, you treated me like a normal kid. You gave me the experiences of a normal kid. You made me believe I can succeed at anything and do anything I put my mind to.  I can see why you get frustrated and angry when I seem like I'm going to give into my defeat, but I promise you I'll never give up, no matter how hard my life is.  You also didn't let me use my disability as an excuse and didn't let me gain learned helplessness. I am sorry if I talk about my issues too much, but I feel like talking about them are the only way that I'm going to learn and feel better about myself.

I know I will make some mistakes and I know our relationship won't always be easy. I know we will get into arguments in the future, but I love you and I am so grateful to you for giving me everything that I have. As I go out in the world, I know you'll always have my back and will help me through everything I ever go through. Even though I'm an adult now, I will always need your guidance and wisdom in my life, even if I don't take it so gracefully sometimes.

I love you and once again, thank you for everything you've ever done for me.
Signed,
Your Daughter,
Julia Ann Lange

Understanding This All

One of my friends posted the quote below on my learning disability's page and I thought I would address my thoughts on it via a blog post: 

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I'm a young adult and I'm still learning. I will be continuously learning as I gain new experiences and get myself into new situations. I am not admitting to know everything, but I finally have gotten to  the point where I feel like I understand myself enough to know what I want in the world. 

As little as 4 years ago, I was an awkward teenager who had little to no self-confidence. I would put myself in dangerous situations and the truth of the matter was, I didn't understand myself. I didn't know how to cope with what was going on in my head and I ended up hurting myself. A LOT.

I was an awful teenager, to my family and to myself. I would lash out on people. I didn't care about anyone but myself, and quite honestly, I still don't know how I ended up from THAT to an insightful, confident, self-motivated woman. Part of that was hormonal, but part of it was not understanding, and it all boils down to me not being able to cope. 

Fast-forward to now. I understand my illnesses. I understand how my brain works (probably more than others), and I do extremely well at coping with this. It took life-changing events a few years ago, but it happened. I just want to let people know there was hope. 

I am a strong-willed, independent, self-sufficient, career-minded woman. I do not take "no" for an answer when it comes to my life and my choices. I do everything in my power not to revert back to how I was before, even if it sometimes seems like I am. I'm trying my best and that's all that matters. I truly do understand who I am now and what is going on with my brain. Rest assured, I will always be me and if you don't like it, too bad.

My Life Needs A Tune-Up

It's been about two months since I've last updated and it hasn't been without cause. I have been trying to deal with some things, and more importantly, trying to figure out how to internally cope with them.

As you know, I graduated in May. I thought I was coping with it well, but it turns out I really wasn't. The first couple weeks were good - I was all ready and on top of everything. I was happy to be joining the workforce. Two month later, I have developed a whole different attitude towards it and it's scary to me. Optimistic, happy, gung-ho Julia turned into cynical, pessimistic, anxious/depressed Julia.

My job coach is absolutely horrible. She does not understand me, despite me telling her what I need and what I need to do to cope. She gives me horrible job leads and she's extremely unorganized and not on top of things. Part of it is my inflexibility, but more of it's her just not getting it. Honestly, at this point I could do her job about 10 times better than her. This situation has been extremely wearing on me. It's making me feel like I don't have any support when I need it. (I know the no support thing is far from the truth, though. I have so many people on my side and who are pushing for me. I feel so grateful for them, but sometimes it's nice to have a professional opinion that you can value).

I "just" feel irritable, upset, angry, and I feel like shutting down. I've been getting in arguments with my parents, who have just been trying to help. I apologize to them, but I need to calm down and start getting along with them again. However, I have yet to give up. I've taken a few days off of my life and just relaxed. I'm starting to get stress headaches at this point, and I need to stop getting them. Right now, I'm just happy with the minimum work that needs to be done and that's so not me. I typically go above and beyond what I need to do.

I need to change my attitude and I need to change it fast. I need to stop being anxious. I need to stop being depressed. I need to start implementing a plan. I'm hoping after a week of cruising the Caribbean, I will be relaxed and rejuvenated and that I can change my attitude. My life needs tune-ups, but I haven't given up. As frustrating as it is, I just can't give up. It's not in my blood.

Being Happy On My Own

Dating with my learning disability (Non-verbal Learning Disability) is a topic often discussed. There is not much research on adults with NLD, thus no one knows how we do in relationships. I know of many NLDers who have gotten married or are in successful relationships and I am very happy for them, but I often wonder when will it be my time?

I was always the girl who thought she'd be married young. The one who had a child before they were 25 and would be whisked away happily ever after. Most of it was denial on my part, and not being able to understand how my NLD, my anxiety, and introverted way affected me as a person. The other part of it was boys being typical teenage boys and guys in their early 20s, and having their OWN problems socializing with girls.

I know I am able to hold a relationship. I was in a relationship that lasted a little over a year, but we just weren't compatible romantically (he's still a dear friend of mine and I'm fine with that). After that relationship, I had a brief, yet eye-opening relationship with someone that challenged me to work on myself by breaking up with me. Though I didn't see it at that time, I will be forever grateful for that breakup. It taught me to push my boundaries, not to settle, and most importantly, that I am happy on my own.

After I was recuperated from that breakup (after about a year), I started my journey with online dating. I've met some interesting people by doing that - both good and bad. I've met some nice people, some not so nice people, and people in between. I've had some really crappy dates - which ended up being worth it because of the free food and the fact that it taught me what type of guy that I shouldn't go for. I went on some pretty good dates, that I thought went well, but in the end they weren't meant to be. I'm not going to lie - the rejection after those dates stung and took me a couple days to bounce back from. However, it was a different kind of hurt, because I now know I can be happy on my own.

When I was younger, I thought my happiness depended on relationships - both platonic and romantic. I thought the key to happiness was to be popular and have an awesome boyfriend, but that wasn't the key to happiness. It was being able to love myself, and be happy on my own, when everyone else wasn't there. I will never again believe that I have to depend on someone else for my happiness, because I am truly happy on my own.

"How Do You Cope?"

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There's a stigma that people like me (non-neurotypical) will never  be able to cope well in a world created for neurotypicals, yet I have managed to do it that my entire life (more recently, better than I ever have). People ask me the question "How do you cope living with a learning disability and two anxiety disorders?" I have decided to answer their question with this blog post.

Needless to say, there were some rough years when I was a teenager (picture a moody teenager.  Now picture it amplified 10 times - that was me). Medication was used on me as a last resort . I am incredibility thankful that my parents put me on it, because if I weren't on it, I wouldn't have been where I am today. I am proud to say, with the help of my psych professionals, I am starting to wean off of the mood stabilizer and it has been successful thus far. I've been on a lower dose for a week on Tuesday and I feel better than I have in a long time.

It is hard living with these problems - it does take a toll on the mind, the body, and the soul. No matter how much treatment I receive, there will always be a few screws loose in my brain, and through years of therapy, support, and soul-searching, I am 100% okay with that. That is only because I learned to cope.

The first step to me learning to cope was to find my support system. Growing up I never had many friends - I have poor social skills and I am an introvert (a double whammy right there). I used to be upset in high school because I wasn't super popular, and it made me quite moody and verbally abusive to the support system I couldn't see that I had. It led me to some dangerous situations, but I learned to cope without doing these dangerous habits. It unfortunately took a huge life event to make me realize how much my family meant to me. I always knew they were proud of me, but it took me years to realize how much they truly help me and how much I could truly lean on them. Yes, we fight still - that's what family is for, but I have never felt closer to them, and this made me see that I will be okay.

The second step to me learning to cope was to start listening to people and stop doing whatever I felt was fit. I HATED going to therapy when I was younger - I hated having someone tell me what to do and giving me criticism (part of me still does). I would cry and scream whenever I had to go to therapy. As I grew older and had more of a say, I realized my therapist was not a good fit for me. I went to counseling in college for a while and joined some support groups to gain coping skills - those were invaluable to me. Then after that, I found my excellent counselor - she is so easy to talk to and she has helped me through so much. I can't help to think that if I listened earlier, what else could I have accomplished earlier on? But I know I can't dwell on the past and I am grateful on how it shaped me.

Finally, in order to cope, I had to learn to be okay with myself and that my life path may not go exactly how a 'normal' person's would go.  This was the hardest step - it took years to build up my self-esteem, but it was well worth it. I am now a strong, independent, level-headed person (well most of the time, at least) who takes initiative. I have held leadership roles and I feel like I can tackle anything that comes ahead of me. I will be fine. I will be happy. I will earn what is rightfully mine.

I still have my bad days - where the coping is hard. But I have come up with mechanisms to help me through them. I write to help me get through those days - sometimes here, and sometimes privately. I vent to people - in real life or on the internet (I have great internet friends - and I am fine with the fact I have more of those than "real life" friends). I dance, I exercise, I make lists, and I set goals to level my head once again. I may not be able to always cope perfectly, but I am making my way through life pretty well.

I Did It!

I did it - I graduated college last Saturday! I couldn't be more proud of myself, and everyone around me is equally as proud of me. I made it through 18 years of schooling - through blood, sweat, and tears (well maybe not the blood part). I battled a learning disability. I battled severe anxiety. I battled social issues, and dysgraphia, and physical issues. I've accomplished more than a lot of people in my position have.



I can't believe how fast the past four years have gone by. I feel like I was just the naive, socially awkward 17 year old girl earning her high school diploma. That was a battle in itself (mostly an inner battle with my low self esteem), and I wouldn't have believed anyone if they told me I would graduate college with honors. But, I did it - I graduate college and I am SO proud of myself.

It took a lot for me to be able to say these positive things about myself. In my sophomore year of college, I decided to say "enough is enough" and tackle my issue of low self esteem. I started my very first blog - Vintage-Kissed (it is no longer up and I unfortunately lost all my hard work), but then I changed the name to Positive-365, because that was what I was aiming for. I lived by motivational quotes, I sought being fit and healthy, I learned how to better myself.

This process really kicked off after a bad break up in the summer of 2012, and I will be forever grateful for that breakup (though, I probably wouldn't have said that at that time). It forced me to go out of my comfort zone and change things in my life. I tried joining a sorority that fall (yes - a socially awkward, anxious girl confronting over 20 girls). It didn't work out (hey, my anxiety had to kick in sometime), but it taught me that I could meet people. It taught me that I had charisma, strength, and the ability to live a somewhat normal life.

In  the summer of 2013, I decided to explore the "negative" aspects of myself (which turns out isn't so negative). I was going through an extremely rough time with my anxiety and trying to cope with my NLD, so I joined some support groups via Facebook. I have met TONS of wonderful people (some of whom are my close friends now), who helped me realize that these things make me who I am. They make me a kinder person. They make me a gentler person. They give me a strong sense of empathy. And most importantly, they give me a perspective of the world that most people don't have. Overall, because of my disorders, I am a better person. With the help of a med change, and my new-found friends, I began to fully blossom into the person I am today.

Today, I am a confident, strong, independent woman. I know I have had my hardships, but ultimately, I am an awesome person, despite them. I will always keep growing and I will always find solitude in myself. I still can't believe I did it - I graduated college.

To My Professor:

You know who I am. You know my name. In fact, you're one of the first professors that actually bothered to do that. But I bet you didn't know that I have a learning disability when you started spewing your ignorance in class today. That's okay, though. Most people don't know I have one. I'm extremely bright and have made it through four years of college. More importantly, my disability is hidden and you'd never be able to tell unless I told you personally.

However, I am not okay with you telling false things about learning disabilities. You stated that learning disabilities can be cured 99% of the time. I find that offensive. I've knowingly have had some type of disability since I was in kindergarten and was officially diagnosed with my disability in third grade. I had the best resources, the greatest support system,and the greatest attitude towards my work, even though it was hard. Guess what? I'm still not cured and it's still not going away no matter how hard I work.

I am going to spare you a deep scientific explanation of learning disabilities, but this is the root of it: They are innate neurological deficits that aren't magically cured. Yes, they can improve, but it's always going to be there. People with learning disabilities are always going to struggle with something, whether it's math, reading, or like me, abstract thinking.

I struggle with my disability every day of my life. It may not always be apparent, but I do. When you give me 50 true/false questions on an exam, I struggle with that. When you don't act compliant with my testing modifications, you make me struggle because I feel rushed when taking my exam.

I know you're probably set in your ways about what you believe, but take it from someone who has lived with a learning disability nearly her whole life - it's not going away and I do not appreciate you spreading around inaccurate statements when you obviously have no idea.

Why I'm So Open About My Life.

People tell me all the time that I should hide my problems because people don't understand. However, being me, I don't listen to them. Sure, I'm embarrassed if I have a panic attack or cry in public - that'd be embarrassing for anyone - but I see something wrong with people thinking I should be embarrassed to have a mental illness or a disability.

I fully accept who I am and what I feel. I know I'm not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I know I tend to be selfish and a little bit crazy. I have mental illnesses and I have a learning disability but I'll be damned if I'm shamed about having them. I'm going to be as open as I want  and I'm going to keep talking about it. If people don't like it, they're not meant to be in my life.

I'll fully disclose my disability when I get a job interview. I won't hide it from my interviewer or boss. I'm going to be honest. If they don't accept it, then the job isn't meant to be. I think of my disability giving me many abilities that a neurotypical person may not have. I think of my anxiety as a blessing in the sense that it gives me my work ethics and Type A tendencies  (and yes, it's a very bitchy blessing sometimes). Why wouldn't I disclose it?

I am going to continue to be open and if you don't like it, please calmly move on as I don't need your negativity towards mental illnesses and disabilities in my life.

The reasons why working at home is best for me.

I decided that I want to work at home. A lot of people would consider me a "shut in," when it's far from the truth.

Though, I have mild agorophobia when my anxiety is extremely bad and untreated, I actually do enjoy going out on most days and, in fact, when school is in session, I do. I'd just prefer if my career was from home for several reasons:

1.  I don't drive, therefore commuting is a lot harder for me. I don't live in a huge city. Though we have a public transportation in my city, they're constantly making cuts. The schedules for busing aren't good and the stops aren't close together.
   
2. I HATE being constantly watched over. I'm extremely independent and self-motivated. Therefore, I don't like being constantly supervised and constantly receiving criticism.
   
3. I like creating my own environment. I like being able to play music when I work or have the TV on in the background. I also like being able to multitask and do my laundry and cook during the day.
    
4. I like being in control. I like being in control of my own schedule and working as much and as little as I want on a certain day. I meet my deadlines, but I like doing my work at my own pace. That's what it's like in college and that's why I'm succeeding so much. I'm the type to work from 11-7 or 12-8. Like I said in my last post, I'm not your typical 9-5 gal. 

Why I Totally Changed My Career Path

I am a writer. I always have been. I've always conveyed  myself the best through the written word.

I would write stories and stories and  more stories when I was a little girl. My favorite units in school were the writing units. I got excited (and still do) when it comes to written assignments. It's where I excel best. And duh, here I am blogging.

I love the combination of writing and social media. I would be lying if I said I weren't addicted to social media. I love getting my messages out to the world. I love helping people and giving people advice. I love sharing new things with people.

I am young. I am fresh. I'm modern. I'm a huge tech nerd when it comes to this type of stuff.

I'm also not your typical 9-5 sort of gal. I hate having a schedule sometimes - it feels so rigid and so stiff. I'd love to work from 11-7 or later.

I'd love a job where I can stay in my pajamas the whole day. I hate dressing up and wearing pantyhose and work pants and whatnot.

For these reasons I'd love to get my foot in the door in the content writing/social media areas of the career world.

College & Stress Of Finding a Job & Anxiety - Oh My!

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I am starting my second semester as a senior on Monday, and I will be graduating in May. This semester is going to be extra tough for me and my anxiety, seeing that I will be looking for a job after I graduate. My anxiety is highly triggered by the fear of the unknown and things changing. The combination of the two makes it hard to breathe sometimes, so I think it's the time to make what I call an "action plan." This is especially important, because a few months ago I completely changed my career path and I was going to go to grad school. I then found out that I didn't get any financial aid, so I have to save up and pay for myself. So, here is my action plan in regards to the next few months of school:

1. Find volunteer work. I have some under my belt, but I feel like the more the merrier. It gives me transferable skills, and helps me build some interpersonal skills as well as intrapersonal skills.

2. Spend time in the career center. This is important because they'll help me find volunteer work and internships and potentially jobs. They'll also help me prepare for interviews and look over cover letters and resumes. I feel like this is important, because if they say everything is good, I am sure to land a job soon after college.

3. Don't consume my brain with thoughts of not finding a job. This is hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that on average, a college graduate does not find a job for 9 months after graduation.

4. Focus on school. Sometimes, I get so consumed with outside stuff that I forget to focus on school. I am always aiming for a 4.0 (though it hasn't happened yet) and hopefully, I will make it my last semester. I'm going to have a positive attitude and I'm going to work hard.

Here's to a happy, hopefully minimal stressful, and even less anxiety provoking semester!

My Anxiety Peeves

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I know living with a mental illness is not easy, and in my case, when you throw the stress of school, worrying about the future and having a disability it can easily become a mess. It's nothing new that mental illness is stigmatized. Gone are the days where people with things like panic disorder and anxiety disorders are shipped away to mental hospitals for life. (In fact, many of us live a fully functional life). However, the words and actions of other people can still make people with anxiety and other mental illnesses feel institutionalized by isolating them and dismissing their problems. I should know. I've been told many insensitive things by people throughout my life - and the sad part is, I don't think they know how hurtful they can be and how detrimental to my recovery it can be. So with that, here's a list of a few things said that bother me when it comes to mental disorder:

1. "You should be able to do that" 
   Unless you're Superman, I doubt you can do everything too. My things just happen to be driving and not being able to do the dishes well. But guess what? I can do a lot of other things and I can be fully independent. In fact, leaving the house is a huge accomplishment for me. It's quite offensive when you say this to me because I'm sure I can do things better than you and you can do things better than me.
2. "I have that too. Why do you act differently than me?" 
   Like no two people are the same, no two cases of anxiety are the same. Symptoms present differently in different people. Like all mental illnesses, anxiety ranges in severity and symptoms and every other aspect of it.
3. "Stop worrying"
   Jeez, you think I haven't thought of stopping this? I would if I could. Believe me. But I have anxiety disorders. I don't control it and no matter how well treated it is, there will be times that I will worry even if you think it's inappropriate to be worrying about.
4. "Be positive.." 
   I try SO hard to be positive, but sometimes there's a need to be negative. I will be positive on my own terms and I don't need the constant reminder to be. When you're disabled and have mental illnesses (or even if you are and think you're someone that can put everything wrong behind them), then you wouldn't be telling me to be positive. My brain works twice as hard to compensate and sometimes I still fail, which causes negativity.
5. "You should get professional help." 
   Really? Sometimes I like to vent on the internet or out loud when my lovely team of professionals aren't available to help me. I do get the help that I need, but it's impossible to be in constant care of a mental health professional unless I were institutionalized, which I find extremely unnecessary.
6. "Your physical symptoms aren't real." 
   Well, yes, technically they aren't and they are psychosomatic, but to me they are very real, especially at the time of a panic attack. You telling me they're fake isn't really helping me and it makes me feel more isolated at the time, when I'm crying out for help. 

The bottom line of this post: If you are saying these things to me (and I don't care who you are), you aren't helping my case. You make me feel worse and you make me feel isolated, and like I have no one to talk to. That causes me to suppress my emotions which leads to severe emotional breakdowns. Remember to speak kindly and without ignorance.

Welcome!

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This blog has been a thought in my (very crazy, mixed up) mind for a long time and I've decided enough is enough. I want to share my story, and hopefully help or inspire someone along the way.

My name is Julia. I'm a 21 year old studying Criminal Justice and Psychology. I love fashion and all things girly. I'm always experimenting with my makeup and trying new fashion trends. I have a Pinterest addiction and get a high from doing Zumba. I enjoy baking (even if I'm not that good) and going on adventures by reading a new book. I also enjoy real adventures and traveling to new places.

I seem pretty normal, right?

Not in a million years would I label myself normal. I liked to call myself "diverse" and I've recently learned the term "neurodiverse" and that's what accurately describes me. I've always been unique since I was a young child.

I was your typical child up until I was two and a half in age. I had minor anxieties and I was reaching all my milestones at a normal age. It was a seizure that most likely changed my brain (I don't say damaged because I like who I've become and what the changes have done to me). After that, my parents noticed me doing some weird things - they just thought I was really smart. I wrote my first real word when I was three on the sidewalk with chalk (it was "hotdog" if anyone is curious) and I started reading when I was four. It wasn't until school where I was diagnosed with motor delays and social skill deficits. No one knew what this meant and my mom kept searching for answers. In the mean time, I received Occupational Therapy and Physical Therapy (OT and PT) starting in Kindergarten, then in first grade they added Speech Therapy.

It wasn't until the end of third grade where I received an actual diagnosis - Nonverbal Learning Disability (NLD or NVLD). Now that I'm older, my diagnosis fits me perfectly. It covers the motor delays (which even at this age I still have trouble with), my flat voice, my issues fitting into social situations, my trouble with abstractness, my issues with math and more. I knew I had it from a young age (I've always felt "different" ever since I can remember), but I never used it as an excuse for anything. I fought and worked hard and here I am today as a beautiful, smart, very successful individual.

In the mix of this I have anxiety disorders (they're diagnosed as "not otherwise specified" but I know for sure they're Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and mild agorophobia). I know I would probably have this even without the NLD - anxiety disorders run in my family and my personality is the same as my dad's. But I do think the NLD makes my problems with anxiety a lot more severe. Without the proper treatment, I wouldn't leave the house or even function in society.

Today, my anxiety is my biggest issue and is what holds me back the most. I fear the unknown. I panic if something changes. I think in the future. I tend to be unrealistic and irrational. But without this, I wouldn't be me.

So, I created this blog to share the struggles of my everyday life and hopefully reach out to some new people. I will post my stories, my experiences, things that help me, things that don't work. I will vent and I will post lifestyle things. I hope you follow me in my journey from this day forward.