An Open Letter To My Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I would like to thank you for putting up with someone who's been such a pain in the butt for the last almost 22 years. Yes, I am comfortable saying that because I am, and I know other people wouldn't agree with it, but you wouldn't mind. I know our relationship hasn't always been the best, but now that I'm older, I am so grateful that you stuck by me, even through my hardest times.

I know that no parents expect a child with mental illness or a learning disability, but you raised me and you never thought twice. I know a lot of parents would have given up on their children. A lot of parents are in denial about their child having something like this, but you always fought for the services I needed to help me thrive in this world. I know I may have complained about my physical therapy and my occupational therapy and everything in between, but I know it was for the best now, and there's no way I would have made the strides in life that I have if you didn't fight for these services.

Above all, you treated me like a normal kid. You gave me the experiences of a normal kid. You made me believe I can succeed at anything and do anything I put my mind to.  I can see why you get frustrated and angry when I seem like I'm going to give into my defeat, but I promise you I'll never give up, no matter how hard my life is.  You also didn't let me use my disability as an excuse and didn't let me gain learned helplessness. I am sorry if I talk about my issues too much, but I feel like talking about them are the only way that I'm going to learn and feel better about myself.

I know I will make some mistakes and I know our relationship won't always be easy. I know we will get into arguments in the future, but I love you and I am so grateful to you for giving me everything that I have. As I go out in the world, I know you'll always have my back and will help me through everything I ever go through. Even though I'm an adult now, I will always need your guidance and wisdom in my life, even if I don't take it so gracefully sometimes.

I love you and once again, thank you for everything you've ever done for me.
Signed,
Your Daughter,
Julia Ann Lange

Understanding This All

One of my friends posted the quote below on my learning disability's page and I thought I would address my thoughts on it via a blog post: 

(Source) 

I'm a young adult and I'm still learning. I will be continuously learning as I gain new experiences and get myself into new situations. I am not admitting to know everything, but I finally have gotten to  the point where I feel like I understand myself enough to know what I want in the world. 

As little as 4 years ago, I was an awkward teenager who had little to no self-confidence. I would put myself in dangerous situations and the truth of the matter was, I didn't understand myself. I didn't know how to cope with what was going on in my head and I ended up hurting myself. A LOT.

I was an awful teenager, to my family and to myself. I would lash out on people. I didn't care about anyone but myself, and quite honestly, I still don't know how I ended up from THAT to an insightful, confident, self-motivated woman. Part of that was hormonal, but part of it was not understanding, and it all boils down to me not being able to cope. 

Fast-forward to now. I understand my illnesses. I understand how my brain works (probably more than others), and I do extremely well at coping with this. It took life-changing events a few years ago, but it happened. I just want to let people know there was hope. 

I am a strong-willed, independent, self-sufficient, career-minded woman. I do not take "no" for an answer when it comes to my life and my choices. I do everything in my power not to revert back to how I was before, even if it sometimes seems like I am. I'm trying my best and that's all that matters. I truly do understand who I am now and what is going on with my brain. Rest assured, I will always be me and if you don't like it, too bad.

My Life Needs A Tune-Up

It's been about two months since I've last updated and it hasn't been without cause. I have been trying to deal with some things, and more importantly, trying to figure out how to internally cope with them.

As you know, I graduated in May. I thought I was coping with it well, but it turns out I really wasn't. The first couple weeks were good - I was all ready and on top of everything. I was happy to be joining the workforce. Two month later, I have developed a whole different attitude towards it and it's scary to me. Optimistic, happy, gung-ho Julia turned into cynical, pessimistic, anxious/depressed Julia.

My job coach is absolutely horrible. She does not understand me, despite me telling her what I need and what I need to do to cope. She gives me horrible job leads and she's extremely unorganized and not on top of things. Part of it is my inflexibility, but more of it's her just not getting it. Honestly, at this point I could do her job about 10 times better than her. This situation has been extremely wearing on me. It's making me feel like I don't have any support when I need it. (I know the no support thing is far from the truth, though. I have so many people on my side and who are pushing for me. I feel so grateful for them, but sometimes it's nice to have a professional opinion that you can value).

I "just" feel irritable, upset, angry, and I feel like shutting down. I've been getting in arguments with my parents, who have just been trying to help. I apologize to them, but I need to calm down and start getting along with them again. However, I have yet to give up. I've taken a few days off of my life and just relaxed. I'm starting to get stress headaches at this point, and I need to stop getting them. Right now, I'm just happy with the minimum work that needs to be done and that's so not me. I typically go above and beyond what I need to do.

I need to change my attitude and I need to change it fast. I need to stop being anxious. I need to stop being depressed. I need to start implementing a plan. I'm hoping after a week of cruising the Caribbean, I will be relaxed and rejuvenated and that I can change my attitude. My life needs tune-ups, but I haven't given up. As frustrating as it is, I just can't give up. It's not in my blood.