Why I'm So Open About My Life.

People tell me all the time that I should hide my problems because people don't understand. However, being me, I don't listen to them. Sure, I'm embarrassed if I have a panic attack or cry in public - that'd be embarrassing for anyone - but I see something wrong with people thinking I should be embarrassed to have a mental illness or a disability.

I fully accept who I am and what I feel. I know I'm not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I know I tend to be selfish and a little bit crazy. I have mental illnesses and I have a learning disability but I'll be damned if I'm shamed about having them. I'm going to be as open as I want  and I'm going to keep talking about it. If people don't like it, they're not meant to be in my life.

I'll fully disclose my disability when I get a job interview. I won't hide it from my interviewer or boss. I'm going to be honest. If they don't accept it, then the job isn't meant to be. I think of my disability giving me many abilities that a neurotypical person may not have. I think of my anxiety as a blessing in the sense that it gives me my work ethics and Type A tendencies  (and yes, it's a very bitchy blessing sometimes). Why wouldn't I disclose it?

I am going to continue to be open and if you don't like it, please calmly move on as I don't need your negativity towards mental illnesses and disabilities in my life.

The reasons why working at home is best for me.

I decided that I want to work at home. A lot of people would consider me a "shut in," when it's far from the truth.

Though, I have mild agorophobia when my anxiety is extremely bad and untreated, I actually do enjoy going out on most days and, in fact, when school is in session, I do. I'd just prefer if my career was from home for several reasons:

1.  I don't drive, therefore commuting is a lot harder for me. I don't live in a huge city. Though we have a public transportation in my city, they're constantly making cuts. The schedules for busing aren't good and the stops aren't close together.
   
2. I HATE being constantly watched over. I'm extremely independent and self-motivated. Therefore, I don't like being constantly supervised and constantly receiving criticism.
   
3. I like creating my own environment. I like being able to play music when I work or have the TV on in the background. I also like being able to multitask and do my laundry and cook during the day.
    
4. I like being in control. I like being in control of my own schedule and working as much and as little as I want on a certain day. I meet my deadlines, but I like doing my work at my own pace. That's what it's like in college and that's why I'm succeeding so much. I'm the type to work from 11-7 or 12-8. Like I said in my last post, I'm not your typical 9-5 gal. 

Why I Totally Changed My Career Path

I am a writer. I always have been. I've always conveyed  myself the best through the written word.

I would write stories and stories and  more stories when I was a little girl. My favorite units in school were the writing units. I got excited (and still do) when it comes to written assignments. It's where I excel best. And duh, here I am blogging.

I love the combination of writing and social media. I would be lying if I said I weren't addicted to social media. I love getting my messages out to the world. I love helping people and giving people advice. I love sharing new things with people.

I am young. I am fresh. I'm modern. I'm a huge tech nerd when it comes to this type of stuff.

I'm also not your typical 9-5 sort of gal. I hate having a schedule sometimes - it feels so rigid and so stiff. I'd love to work from 11-7 or later.

I'd love a job where I can stay in my pajamas the whole day. I hate dressing up and wearing pantyhose and work pants and whatnot.

For these reasons I'd love to get my foot in the door in the content writing/social media areas of the career world.

College & Stress Of Finding a Job & Anxiety - Oh My!

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I am starting my second semester as a senior on Monday, and I will be graduating in May. This semester is going to be extra tough for me and my anxiety, seeing that I will be looking for a job after I graduate. My anxiety is highly triggered by the fear of the unknown and things changing. The combination of the two makes it hard to breathe sometimes, so I think it's the time to make what I call an "action plan." This is especially important, because a few months ago I completely changed my career path and I was going to go to grad school. I then found out that I didn't get any financial aid, so I have to save up and pay for myself. So, here is my action plan in regards to the next few months of school:

1. Find volunteer work. I have some under my belt, but I feel like the more the merrier. It gives me transferable skills, and helps me build some interpersonal skills as well as intrapersonal skills.

2. Spend time in the career center. This is important because they'll help me find volunteer work and internships and potentially jobs. They'll also help me prepare for interviews and look over cover letters and resumes. I feel like this is important, because if they say everything is good, I am sure to land a job soon after college.

3. Don't consume my brain with thoughts of not finding a job. This is hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that on average, a college graduate does not find a job for 9 months after graduation.

4. Focus on school. Sometimes, I get so consumed with outside stuff that I forget to focus on school. I am always aiming for a 4.0 (though it hasn't happened yet) and hopefully, I will make it my last semester. I'm going to have a positive attitude and I'm going to work hard.

Here's to a happy, hopefully minimal stressful, and even less anxiety provoking semester!

My Anxiety Peeves

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I know living with a mental illness is not easy, and in my case, when you throw the stress of school, worrying about the future and having a disability it can easily become a mess. It's nothing new that mental illness is stigmatized. Gone are the days where people with things like panic disorder and anxiety disorders are shipped away to mental hospitals for life. (In fact, many of us live a fully functional life). However, the words and actions of other people can still make people with anxiety and other mental illnesses feel institutionalized by isolating them and dismissing their problems. I should know. I've been told many insensitive things by people throughout my life - and the sad part is, I don't think they know how hurtful they can be and how detrimental to my recovery it can be. So with that, here's a list of a few things said that bother me when it comes to mental disorder:

1. "You should be able to do that" 
   Unless you're Superman, I doubt you can do everything too. My things just happen to be driving and not being able to do the dishes well. But guess what? I can do a lot of other things and I can be fully independent. In fact, leaving the house is a huge accomplishment for me. It's quite offensive when you say this to me because I'm sure I can do things better than you and you can do things better than me.
2. "I have that too. Why do you act differently than me?" 
   Like no two people are the same, no two cases of anxiety are the same. Symptoms present differently in different people. Like all mental illnesses, anxiety ranges in severity and symptoms and every other aspect of it.
3. "Stop worrying"
   Jeez, you think I haven't thought of stopping this? I would if I could. Believe me. But I have anxiety disorders. I don't control it and no matter how well treated it is, there will be times that I will worry even if you think it's inappropriate to be worrying about.
4. "Be positive.." 
   I try SO hard to be positive, but sometimes there's a need to be negative. I will be positive on my own terms and I don't need the constant reminder to be. When you're disabled and have mental illnesses (or even if you are and think you're someone that can put everything wrong behind them), then you wouldn't be telling me to be positive. My brain works twice as hard to compensate and sometimes I still fail, which causes negativity.
5. "You should get professional help." 
   Really? Sometimes I like to vent on the internet or out loud when my lovely team of professionals aren't available to help me. I do get the help that I need, but it's impossible to be in constant care of a mental health professional unless I were institutionalized, which I find extremely unnecessary.
6. "Your physical symptoms aren't real." 
   Well, yes, technically they aren't and they are psychosomatic, but to me they are very real, especially at the time of a panic attack. You telling me they're fake isn't really helping me and it makes me feel more isolated at the time, when I'm crying out for help. 

The bottom line of this post: If you are saying these things to me (and I don't care who you are), you aren't helping my case. You make me feel worse and you make me feel isolated, and like I have no one to talk to. That causes me to suppress my emotions which leads to severe emotional breakdowns. Remember to speak kindly and without ignorance.

Welcome!

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This blog has been a thought in my (very crazy, mixed up) mind for a long time and I've decided enough is enough. I want to share my story, and hopefully help or inspire someone along the way.

My name is Julia. I'm a 21 year old studying Criminal Justice and Psychology. I love fashion and all things girly. I'm always experimenting with my makeup and trying new fashion trends. I have a Pinterest addiction and get a high from doing Zumba. I enjoy baking (even if I'm not that good) and going on adventures by reading a new book. I also enjoy real adventures and traveling to new places.

I seem pretty normal, right?

Not in a million years would I label myself normal. I liked to call myself "diverse" and I've recently learned the term "neurodiverse" and that's what accurately describes me. I've always been unique since I was a young child.

I was your typical child up until I was two and a half in age. I had minor anxieties and I was reaching all my milestones at a normal age. It was a seizure that most likely changed my brain (I don't say damaged because I like who I've become and what the changes have done to me). After that, my parents noticed me doing some weird things - they just thought I was really smart. I wrote my first real word when I was three on the sidewalk with chalk (it was "hotdog" if anyone is curious) and I started reading when I was four. It wasn't until school where I was diagnosed with motor delays and social skill deficits. No one knew what this meant and my mom kept searching for answers. In the mean time, I received Occupational Therapy and Physical Therapy (OT and PT) starting in Kindergarten, then in first grade they added Speech Therapy.

It wasn't until the end of third grade where I received an actual diagnosis - Nonverbal Learning Disability (NLD or NVLD). Now that I'm older, my diagnosis fits me perfectly. It covers the motor delays (which even at this age I still have trouble with), my flat voice, my issues fitting into social situations, my trouble with abstractness, my issues with math and more. I knew I had it from a young age (I've always felt "different" ever since I can remember), but I never used it as an excuse for anything. I fought and worked hard and here I am today as a beautiful, smart, very successful individual.

In the mix of this I have anxiety disorders (they're diagnosed as "not otherwise specified" but I know for sure they're Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and mild agorophobia). I know I would probably have this even without the NLD - anxiety disorders run in my family and my personality is the same as my dad's. But I do think the NLD makes my problems with anxiety a lot more severe. Without the proper treatment, I wouldn't leave the house or even function in society.

Today, my anxiety is my biggest issue and is what holds me back the most. I fear the unknown. I panic if something changes. I think in the future. I tend to be unrealistic and irrational. But without this, I wouldn't be me.

So, I created this blog to share the struggles of my everyday life and hopefully reach out to some new people. I will post my stories, my experiences, things that help me, things that don't work. I will vent and I will post lifestyle things. I hope you follow me in my journey from this day forward.