My Life Needs A Tune-Up

It's been about two months since I've last updated and it hasn't been without cause. I have been trying to deal with some things, and more importantly, trying to figure out how to internally cope with them.

As you know, I graduated in May. I thought I was coping with it well, but it turns out I really wasn't. The first couple weeks were good - I was all ready and on top of everything. I was happy to be joining the workforce. Two month later, I have developed a whole different attitude towards it and it's scary to me. Optimistic, happy, gung-ho Julia turned into cynical, pessimistic, anxious/depressed Julia.

My job coach is absolutely horrible. She does not understand me, despite me telling her what I need and what I need to do to cope. She gives me horrible job leads and she's extremely unorganized and not on top of things. Part of it is my inflexibility, but more of it's her just not getting it. Honestly, at this point I could do her job about 10 times better than her. This situation has been extremely wearing on me. It's making me feel like I don't have any support when I need it. (I know the no support thing is far from the truth, though. I have so many people on my side and who are pushing for me. I feel so grateful for them, but sometimes it's nice to have a professional opinion that you can value).

I "just" feel irritable, upset, angry, and I feel like shutting down. I've been getting in arguments with my parents, who have just been trying to help. I apologize to them, but I need to calm down and start getting along with them again. However, I have yet to give up. I've taken a few days off of my life and just relaxed. I'm starting to get stress headaches at this point, and I need to stop getting them. Right now, I'm just happy with the minimum work that needs to be done and that's so not me. I typically go above and beyond what I need to do.

I need to change my attitude and I need to change it fast. I need to stop being anxious. I need to stop being depressed. I need to start implementing a plan. I'm hoping after a week of cruising the Caribbean, I will be relaxed and rejuvenated and that I can change my attitude. My life needs tune-ups, but I haven't given up. As frustrating as it is, I just can't give up. It's not in my blood.

Being Happy On My Own

Dating with my learning disability (Non-verbal Learning Disability) is a topic often discussed. There is not much research on adults with NLD, thus no one knows how we do in relationships. I know of many NLDers who have gotten married or are in successful relationships and I am very happy for them, but I often wonder when will it be my time?

I was always the girl who thought she'd be married young. The one who had a child before they were 25 and would be whisked away happily ever after. Most of it was denial on my part, and not being able to understand how my NLD, my anxiety, and introverted way affected me as a person. The other part of it was boys being typical teenage boys and guys in their early 20s, and having their OWN problems socializing with girls.

I know I am able to hold a relationship. I was in a relationship that lasted a little over a year, but we just weren't compatible romantically (he's still a dear friend of mine and I'm fine with that). After that relationship, I had a brief, yet eye-opening relationship with someone that challenged me to work on myself by breaking up with me. Though I didn't see it at that time, I will be forever grateful for that breakup. It taught me to push my boundaries, not to settle, and most importantly, that I am happy on my own.

After I was recuperated from that breakup (after about a year), I started my journey with online dating. I've met some interesting people by doing that - both good and bad. I've met some nice people, some not so nice people, and people in between. I've had some really crappy dates - which ended up being worth it because of the free food and the fact that it taught me what type of guy that I shouldn't go for. I went on some pretty good dates, that I thought went well, but in the end they weren't meant to be. I'm not going to lie - the rejection after those dates stung and took me a couple days to bounce back from. However, it was a different kind of hurt, because I now know I can be happy on my own.

When I was younger, I thought my happiness depended on relationships - both platonic and romantic. I thought the key to happiness was to be popular and have an awesome boyfriend, but that wasn't the key to happiness. It was being able to love myself, and be happy on my own, when everyone else wasn't there. I will never again believe that I have to depend on someone else for my happiness, because I am truly happy on my own.

"How Do You Cope?"

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There's a stigma that people like me (non-neurotypical) will never  be able to cope well in a world created for neurotypicals, yet I have managed to do it that my entire life (more recently, better than I ever have). People ask me the question "How do you cope living with a learning disability and two anxiety disorders?" I have decided to answer their question with this blog post.

Needless to say, there were some rough years when I was a teenager (picture a moody teenager.  Now picture it amplified 10 times - that was me). Medication was used on me as a last resort . I am incredibility thankful that my parents put me on it, because if I weren't on it, I wouldn't have been where I am today. I am proud to say, with the help of my psych professionals, I am starting to wean off of the mood stabilizer and it has been successful thus far. I've been on a lower dose for a week on Tuesday and I feel better than I have in a long time.

It is hard living with these problems - it does take a toll on the mind, the body, and the soul. No matter how much treatment I receive, there will always be a few screws loose in my brain, and through years of therapy, support, and soul-searching, I am 100% okay with that. That is only because I learned to cope.

The first step to me learning to cope was to find my support system. Growing up I never had many friends - I have poor social skills and I am an introvert (a double whammy right there). I used to be upset in high school because I wasn't super popular, and it made me quite moody and verbally abusive to the support system I couldn't see that I had. It led me to some dangerous situations, but I learned to cope without doing these dangerous habits. It unfortunately took a huge life event to make me realize how much my family meant to me. I always knew they were proud of me, but it took me years to realize how much they truly help me and how much I could truly lean on them. Yes, we fight still - that's what family is for, but I have never felt closer to them, and this made me see that I will be okay.

The second step to me learning to cope was to start listening to people and stop doing whatever I felt was fit. I HATED going to therapy when I was younger - I hated having someone tell me what to do and giving me criticism (part of me still does). I would cry and scream whenever I had to go to therapy. As I grew older and had more of a say, I realized my therapist was not a good fit for me. I went to counseling in college for a while and joined some support groups to gain coping skills - those were invaluable to me. Then after that, I found my excellent counselor - she is so easy to talk to and she has helped me through so much. I can't help to think that if I listened earlier, what else could I have accomplished earlier on? But I know I can't dwell on the past and I am grateful on how it shaped me.

Finally, in order to cope, I had to learn to be okay with myself and that my life path may not go exactly how a 'normal' person's would go.  This was the hardest step - it took years to build up my self-esteem, but it was well worth it. I am now a strong, independent, level-headed person (well most of the time, at least) who takes initiative. I have held leadership roles and I feel like I can tackle anything that comes ahead of me. I will be fine. I will be happy. I will earn what is rightfully mine.

I still have my bad days - where the coping is hard. But I have come up with mechanisms to help me through them. I write to help me get through those days - sometimes here, and sometimes privately. I vent to people - in real life or on the internet (I have great internet friends - and I am fine with the fact I have more of those than "real life" friends). I dance, I exercise, I make lists, and I set goals to level my head once again. I may not be able to always cope perfectly, but I am making my way through life pretty well.

I Did It!

I did it - I graduated college last Saturday! I couldn't be more proud of myself, and everyone around me is equally as proud of me. I made it through 18 years of schooling - through blood, sweat, and tears (well maybe not the blood part). I battled a learning disability. I battled severe anxiety. I battled social issues, and dysgraphia, and physical issues. I've accomplished more than a lot of people in my position have.



I can't believe how fast the past four years have gone by. I feel like I was just the naive, socially awkward 17 year old girl earning her high school diploma. That was a battle in itself (mostly an inner battle with my low self esteem), and I wouldn't have believed anyone if they told me I would graduate college with honors. But, I did it - I graduate college and I am SO proud of myself.

It took a lot for me to be able to say these positive things about myself. In my sophomore year of college, I decided to say "enough is enough" and tackle my issue of low self esteem. I started my very first blog - Vintage-Kissed (it is no longer up and I unfortunately lost all my hard work), but then I changed the name to Positive-365, because that was what I was aiming for. I lived by motivational quotes, I sought being fit and healthy, I learned how to better myself.

This process really kicked off after a bad break up in the summer of 2012, and I will be forever grateful for that breakup (though, I probably wouldn't have said that at that time). It forced me to go out of my comfort zone and change things in my life. I tried joining a sorority that fall (yes - a socially awkward, anxious girl confronting over 20 girls). It didn't work out (hey, my anxiety had to kick in sometime), but it taught me that I could meet people. It taught me that I had charisma, strength, and the ability to live a somewhat normal life.

In  the summer of 2013, I decided to explore the "negative" aspects of myself (which turns out isn't so negative). I was going through an extremely rough time with my anxiety and trying to cope with my NLD, so I joined some support groups via Facebook. I have met TONS of wonderful people (some of whom are my close friends now), who helped me realize that these things make me who I am. They make me a kinder person. They make me a gentler person. They give me a strong sense of empathy. And most importantly, they give me a perspective of the world that most people don't have. Overall, because of my disorders, I am a better person. With the help of a med change, and my new-found friends, I began to fully blossom into the person I am today.

Today, I am a confident, strong, independent woman. I know I have had my hardships, but ultimately, I am an awesome person, despite them. I will always keep growing and I will always find solitude in myself. I still can't believe I did it - I graduated college.

College & Stress Of Finding a Job & Anxiety - Oh My!

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I am starting my second semester as a senior on Monday, and I will be graduating in May. This semester is going to be extra tough for me and my anxiety, seeing that I will be looking for a job after I graduate. My anxiety is highly triggered by the fear of the unknown and things changing. The combination of the two makes it hard to breathe sometimes, so I think it's the time to make what I call an "action plan." This is especially important, because a few months ago I completely changed my career path and I was going to go to grad school. I then found out that I didn't get any financial aid, so I have to save up and pay for myself. So, here is my action plan in regards to the next few months of school:

1. Find volunteer work. I have some under my belt, but I feel like the more the merrier. It gives me transferable skills, and helps me build some interpersonal skills as well as intrapersonal skills.

2. Spend time in the career center. This is important because they'll help me find volunteer work and internships and potentially jobs. They'll also help me prepare for interviews and look over cover letters and resumes. I feel like this is important, because if they say everything is good, I am sure to land a job soon after college.

3. Don't consume my brain with thoughts of not finding a job. This is hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that on average, a college graduate does not find a job for 9 months after graduation.

4. Focus on school. Sometimes, I get so consumed with outside stuff that I forget to focus on school. I am always aiming for a 4.0 (though it hasn't happened yet) and hopefully, I will make it my last semester. I'm going to have a positive attitude and I'm going to work hard.

Here's to a happy, hopefully minimal stressful, and even less anxiety provoking semester!