When I Was Thirteen

I remember the day clearly. I thought I was crazy. I was mad at my parents.  But more so, I was mad at myself. I was diagnosed at nine with a moderate case of Nonverbal Learning Disorder (NLD), as well as anxiety, and depressive symptoms in relation to the learning disorder. 

I have had hosts of therapy since I was in Kindergarten. I saw the occupational therapist twice a week and the physical therapist twice a week. I saw the speech therapist in attempts to fix my irregular speech pattern, and I went to counseling in attempts to help me cope with the NLD. But this was different. I was going to a new doctor - one that I have never seen before. She asked me weird questions like if I ever though of hurting myself. 

You see, my symptoms started getting worse. I was talking back to my teachers, and I was having verbal outbursts towards my family. I can see now that I am older, that I was not a pleasant person to be around during that era. I was unfocused and I was completely out of whack. 

After I spoke with the new doctor, she spoke with my parents and that was the day I was medicated. Even at the age of thirteen, I was aware of the stigma attached to taking medications. I didn't want to take them. I was upset. And I cried and yelled and screamed and i panicked. I thought everyone would see me as insane. Today, I am completely  grateful for my parents's tough decision to put me on this medicine. 

I wish I could tell myself this that day: You are smart. You are beautiful. But you are very sick. Mental illness is a true illness. If you had a headache, you would take medicine, right? Your parents are acting in your best interest, and this is going to really help you. 

You're going to have tons of bumps in the road, but you'll make it kid. You'll graduate college with honors. You'll get a job, and you will  strongly consider graduate school so you can help other kids like you. You do things people did not expect you to ever do and make everyone proud. You have the best friends in the world, and you will meet a special guy who don't think you're crazy at all. They all see you for the wonderful person that you are and even though you take that medicine, they love you for who you are. 

Most importantly, you will love who you have become and wouldn't change it for the world. 

An Open Letter To My Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I would like to thank you for putting up with someone who's been such a pain in the butt for the last almost 22 years. Yes, I am comfortable saying that because I am, and I know other people wouldn't agree with it, but you wouldn't mind. I know our relationship hasn't always been the best, but now that I'm older, I am so grateful that you stuck by me, even through my hardest times.

I know that no parents expect a child with mental illness or a learning disability, but you raised me and you never thought twice. I know a lot of parents would have given up on their children. A lot of parents are in denial about their child having something like this, but you always fought for the services I needed to help me thrive in this world. I know I may have complained about my physical therapy and my occupational therapy and everything in between, but I know it was for the best now, and there's no way I would have made the strides in life that I have if you didn't fight for these services.

Above all, you treated me like a normal kid. You gave me the experiences of a normal kid. You made me believe I can succeed at anything and do anything I put my mind to.  I can see why you get frustrated and angry when I seem like I'm going to give into my defeat, but I promise you I'll never give up, no matter how hard my life is.  You also didn't let me use my disability as an excuse and didn't let me gain learned helplessness. I am sorry if I talk about my issues too much, but I feel like talking about them are the only way that I'm going to learn and feel better about myself.

I know I will make some mistakes and I know our relationship won't always be easy. I know we will get into arguments in the future, but I love you and I am so grateful to you for giving me everything that I have. As I go out in the world, I know you'll always have my back and will help me through everything I ever go through. Even though I'm an adult now, I will always need your guidance and wisdom in my life, even if I don't take it so gracefully sometimes.

I love you and once again, thank you for everything you've ever done for me.
Signed,
Your Daughter,
Julia Ann Lange

Understanding This All

One of my friends posted the quote below on my learning disability's page and I thought I would address my thoughts on it via a blog post: 

(Source) 

I'm a young adult and I'm still learning. I will be continuously learning as I gain new experiences and get myself into new situations. I am not admitting to know everything, but I finally have gotten to  the point where I feel like I understand myself enough to know what I want in the world. 

As little as 4 years ago, I was an awkward teenager who had little to no self-confidence. I would put myself in dangerous situations and the truth of the matter was, I didn't understand myself. I didn't know how to cope with what was going on in my head and I ended up hurting myself. A LOT.

I was an awful teenager, to my family and to myself. I would lash out on people. I didn't care about anyone but myself, and quite honestly, I still don't know how I ended up from THAT to an insightful, confident, self-motivated woman. Part of that was hormonal, but part of it was not understanding, and it all boils down to me not being able to cope. 

Fast-forward to now. I understand my illnesses. I understand how my brain works (probably more than others), and I do extremely well at coping with this. It took life-changing events a few years ago, but it happened. I just want to let people know there was hope. 

I am a strong-willed, independent, self-sufficient, career-minded woman. I do not take "no" for an answer when it comes to my life and my choices. I do everything in my power not to revert back to how I was before, even if it sometimes seems like I am. I'm trying my best and that's all that matters. I truly do understand who I am now and what is going on with my brain. Rest assured, I will always be me and if you don't like it, too bad.

My Life Needs A Tune-Up

It's been about two months since I've last updated and it hasn't been without cause. I have been trying to deal with some things, and more importantly, trying to figure out how to internally cope with them.

As you know, I graduated in May. I thought I was coping with it well, but it turns out I really wasn't. The first couple weeks were good - I was all ready and on top of everything. I was happy to be joining the workforce. Two month later, I have developed a whole different attitude towards it and it's scary to me. Optimistic, happy, gung-ho Julia turned into cynical, pessimistic, anxious/depressed Julia.

My job coach is absolutely horrible. She does not understand me, despite me telling her what I need and what I need to do to cope. She gives me horrible job leads and she's extremely unorganized and not on top of things. Part of it is my inflexibility, but more of it's her just not getting it. Honestly, at this point I could do her job about 10 times better than her. This situation has been extremely wearing on me. It's making me feel like I don't have any support when I need it. (I know the no support thing is far from the truth, though. I have so many people on my side and who are pushing for me. I feel so grateful for them, but sometimes it's nice to have a professional opinion that you can value).

I "just" feel irritable, upset, angry, and I feel like shutting down. I've been getting in arguments with my parents, who have just been trying to help. I apologize to them, but I need to calm down and start getting along with them again. However, I have yet to give up. I've taken a few days off of my life and just relaxed. I'm starting to get stress headaches at this point, and I need to stop getting them. Right now, I'm just happy with the minimum work that needs to be done and that's so not me. I typically go above and beyond what I need to do.

I need to change my attitude and I need to change it fast. I need to stop being anxious. I need to stop being depressed. I need to start implementing a plan. I'm hoping after a week of cruising the Caribbean, I will be relaxed and rejuvenated and that I can change my attitude. My life needs tune-ups, but I haven't given up. As frustrating as it is, I just can't give up. It's not in my blood.

Being Happy On My Own

Dating with my learning disability (Non-verbal Learning Disability) is a topic often discussed. There is not much research on adults with NLD, thus no one knows how we do in relationships. I know of many NLDers who have gotten married or are in successful relationships and I am very happy for them, but I often wonder when will it be my time?

I was always the girl who thought she'd be married young. The one who had a child before they were 25 and would be whisked away happily ever after. Most of it was denial on my part, and not being able to understand how my NLD, my anxiety, and introverted way affected me as a person. The other part of it was boys being typical teenage boys and guys in their early 20s, and having their OWN problems socializing with girls.

I know I am able to hold a relationship. I was in a relationship that lasted a little over a year, but we just weren't compatible romantically (he's still a dear friend of mine and I'm fine with that). After that relationship, I had a brief, yet eye-opening relationship with someone that challenged me to work on myself by breaking up with me. Though I didn't see it at that time, I will be forever grateful for that breakup. It taught me to push my boundaries, not to settle, and most importantly, that I am happy on my own.

After I was recuperated from that breakup (after about a year), I started my journey with online dating. I've met some interesting people by doing that - both good and bad. I've met some nice people, some not so nice people, and people in between. I've had some really crappy dates - which ended up being worth it because of the free food and the fact that it taught me what type of guy that I shouldn't go for. I went on some pretty good dates, that I thought went well, but in the end they weren't meant to be. I'm not going to lie - the rejection after those dates stung and took me a couple days to bounce back from. However, it was a different kind of hurt, because I now know I can be happy on my own.

When I was younger, I thought my happiness depended on relationships - both platonic and romantic. I thought the key to happiness was to be popular and have an awesome boyfriend, but that wasn't the key to happiness. It was being able to love myself, and be happy on my own, when everyone else wasn't there. I will never again believe that I have to depend on someone else for my happiness, because I am truly happy on my own.

"How Do You Cope?"

(Source) 

There's a stigma that people like me (non-neurotypical) will never  be able to cope well in a world created for neurotypicals, yet I have managed to do it that my entire life (more recently, better than I ever have). People ask me the question "How do you cope living with a learning disability and two anxiety disorders?" I have decided to answer their question with this blog post.

Needless to say, there were some rough years when I was a teenager (picture a moody teenager.  Now picture it amplified 10 times - that was me). Medication was used on me as a last resort . I am incredibility thankful that my parents put me on it, because if I weren't on it, I wouldn't have been where I am today. I am proud to say, with the help of my psych professionals, I am starting to wean off of the mood stabilizer and it has been successful thus far. I've been on a lower dose for a week on Tuesday and I feel better than I have in a long time.

It is hard living with these problems - it does take a toll on the mind, the body, and the soul. No matter how much treatment I receive, there will always be a few screws loose in my brain, and through years of therapy, support, and soul-searching, I am 100% okay with that. That is only because I learned to cope.

The first step to me learning to cope was to find my support system. Growing up I never had many friends - I have poor social skills and I am an introvert (a double whammy right there). I used to be upset in high school because I wasn't super popular, and it made me quite moody and verbally abusive to the support system I couldn't see that I had. It led me to some dangerous situations, but I learned to cope without doing these dangerous habits. It unfortunately took a huge life event to make me realize how much my family meant to me. I always knew they were proud of me, but it took me years to realize how much they truly help me and how much I could truly lean on them. Yes, we fight still - that's what family is for, but I have never felt closer to them, and this made me see that I will be okay.

The second step to me learning to cope was to start listening to people and stop doing whatever I felt was fit. I HATED going to therapy when I was younger - I hated having someone tell me what to do and giving me criticism (part of me still does). I would cry and scream whenever I had to go to therapy. As I grew older and had more of a say, I realized my therapist was not a good fit for me. I went to counseling in college for a while and joined some support groups to gain coping skills - those were invaluable to me. Then after that, I found my excellent counselor - she is so easy to talk to and she has helped me through so much. I can't help to think that if I listened earlier, what else could I have accomplished earlier on? But I know I can't dwell on the past and I am grateful on how it shaped me.

Finally, in order to cope, I had to learn to be okay with myself and that my life path may not go exactly how a 'normal' person's would go.  This was the hardest step - it took years to build up my self-esteem, but it was well worth it. I am now a strong, independent, level-headed person (well most of the time, at least) who takes initiative. I have held leadership roles and I feel like I can tackle anything that comes ahead of me. I will be fine. I will be happy. I will earn what is rightfully mine.

I still have my bad days - where the coping is hard. But I have come up with mechanisms to help me through them. I write to help me get through those days - sometimes here, and sometimes privately. I vent to people - in real life or on the internet (I have great internet friends - and I am fine with the fact I have more of those than "real life" friends). I dance, I exercise, I make lists, and I set goals to level my head once again. I may not be able to always cope perfectly, but I am making my way through life pretty well.

I Did It!

I did it - I graduated college last Saturday! I couldn't be more proud of myself, and everyone around me is equally as proud of me. I made it through 18 years of schooling - through blood, sweat, and tears (well maybe not the blood part). I battled a learning disability. I battled severe anxiety. I battled social issues, and dysgraphia, and physical issues. I've accomplished more than a lot of people in my position have.



I can't believe how fast the past four years have gone by. I feel like I was just the naive, socially awkward 17 year old girl earning her high school diploma. That was a battle in itself (mostly an inner battle with my low self esteem), and I wouldn't have believed anyone if they told me I would graduate college with honors. But, I did it - I graduate college and I am SO proud of myself.

It took a lot for me to be able to say these positive things about myself. In my sophomore year of college, I decided to say "enough is enough" and tackle my issue of low self esteem. I started my very first blog - Vintage-Kissed (it is no longer up and I unfortunately lost all my hard work), but then I changed the name to Positive-365, because that was what I was aiming for. I lived by motivational quotes, I sought being fit and healthy, I learned how to better myself.

This process really kicked off after a bad break up in the summer of 2012, and I will be forever grateful for that breakup (though, I probably wouldn't have said that at that time). It forced me to go out of my comfort zone and change things in my life. I tried joining a sorority that fall (yes - a socially awkward, anxious girl confronting over 20 girls). It didn't work out (hey, my anxiety had to kick in sometime), but it taught me that I could meet people. It taught me that I had charisma, strength, and the ability to live a somewhat normal life.

In  the summer of 2013, I decided to explore the "negative" aspects of myself (which turns out isn't so negative). I was going through an extremely rough time with my anxiety and trying to cope with my NLD, so I joined some support groups via Facebook. I have met TONS of wonderful people (some of whom are my close friends now), who helped me realize that these things make me who I am. They make me a kinder person. They make me a gentler person. They give me a strong sense of empathy. And most importantly, they give me a perspective of the world that most people don't have. Overall, because of my disorders, I am a better person. With the help of a med change, and my new-found friends, I began to fully blossom into the person I am today.

Today, I am a confident, strong, independent woman. I know I have had my hardships, but ultimately, I am an awesome person, despite them. I will always keep growing and I will always find solitude in myself. I still can't believe I did it - I graduated college.